Shabbat

The hourglass is broken
Sand runs across the table
Then stops

Kapuna

Advice of Gramma Akimseu echoes
as I ran away into the jungle,
"Let him go, let him go!"
Twenty-five years later
I listen and start stop chasing.

Kavanah

Under red poppies
A stone Buddha statue smiles.
Yawning cat stretches.

Becoming

A man drowns in the ocean
His body decays
Flesh eaten, bones dissolved
At what point is he only man?
At what point only ocean?

A Wish-Fulfilling Gem

If gifted
A wish-fulfilling gem
Giving only that
Which would truly fulfill
For what could you wish?

A Healthcare Affirmation

Back to work
May I hold no preconceptions
No tales, no foes
May each task express oneness
Each face I see, my own

Living a Life that Matters – Bernie Glassman, Zen Master

Living a Life that Matters – Bernie Glassman, Zen Master

A great chance to hear a Jewish Zen Master talk at Bet Alef Meditative Synagogue in Seattle!

Family Keepsakes

Inside Camp 17
Grampa got his number
"Ichi-Ni-Ni-Ichi!"
Then a grammer lesson to the head
Years later, a steel plate

A Zen Jewdhist's Modeh Ani

awake.
for this privilege
should i
always be
grateful.

First Steps

Walk with "don't know" mind

Child tourist uniqueness.

Let colors, shapes wash over

Be with awe. Mundane anew

An everyday Mattise.

My Meditation Practice One Year Anniversary

It's been a few days over a year since I started my eight week MBSR  class (http://www.mindfulnessnw.com/ ). Since then I have followed up with 30-60 min of meditation three to five days a week mostly on my own.  (If you don't count a visit to a Soto Zendo and lots of drosh & dharma talk mp3s -examples of sites for these listed below, as well as books on Jewish meditation and Zen.)
Objectively, I'm getting significantly more positive feedback at work and my wife says "Big changes". Specifically she says I'm calmer, more easy-going, much better with the kids, more positive and not as hard on myself. 
Subjectively, I think all of my wife's comments are basically true.  I first chose to take an MBSR class offered by my hospital because of stress.  Between being the father of five children, three of which, whom I take care of full time three to four days a week, are on the autism spectrum, trying to make ends meet on the salary of a CNA, doing twelve hour night shifts then trying to help with kids and get sleep between shifts, and coming to terms that my dreams of finishing nursing school and continuing to play music semi-professionally were on long term hold until the kids could all attend school full time, I was as stressed as this sentence is long.  I was forgetting to do things I said I'd do and I was doing things, complicated things, and having no memory of doing them.  I was afraid I was losing my mind.
Now, I feel more at ease, I can see through my internal stories, opinions and the emotions surrounding them, maybe not yet in the moment but at least soon after occurrence.  Comments from others that used to crush my ego and make me resentful come and go through my internal processing in minutes, hours or a day or two rather than the weeks, months, years and decades I used to hold on to hurt.  I still have ego.  Letting go is more peaceful.  I also am much better at seeing things from others perspectives instead of making up my own stories about their evil intentions and natures.  Not perfect, but better.
While I started out meditating hoping for some sanity and stress reduction, I no longer see that as the reason for my practice.  Meditation is helpful for stress reduction, for gaining greater concentration, focus, creative insights and a whole host of other things but as I continue in my practice I find that those are the side effects, not the reason for meditation.
So then, what is the reason.
With this question I have backed myself into a bit of a corner.  The truth is... I don't know... but I'm curious.  Some days meditation feels like the mental version of weight lifting.  I struggle, I hurt, and yes, I even sweat.  Other days it comes easy and feels like slipping into cool water.  Some days my mind is racing and running amok like a sleepy three year old, other days it feels like that same child, sleeping soundly in my arms.  Some days I have great epiphanies on my cushion about my mind, the cosmos, the nature of God or just a better way to do a project. Some days I get an unending loop of 70's TV theme songs.  Other days, I get wide open nothing, or the feeling of being good and doing good in the universe.  I no longer sit on my cushion expecting a specific result.  I sit, follow my breath and accept the experience.  I don't try to hold any specific thought for too long but just acknowledge my thoughts, feelings, sensations as they come as what they are: thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
My current understanding of my practice leads me to think I need a sangha, a circle of fellow practitioners, to meditate and study with.  A group that can help me grow into my meditation and challenge me in areas where I need work, a group that doesn't tell me what is "right" but allows me to find right (or the non-need for such labels) on my own.
In my location, finding such a group is difficult.  There are fewer Zen centers or meditation groups in town than there are Synagogues (One Synagogue -in the next town over)  Likewise there are no local Jewish meditation centers.  There are on-line "e-Zendo's" out there (www.zenwest.ca @zenwest1) and I have enjoyed the couple of koans that were given me by someone from Empty Gate Korean Zendo (www.emptygatezen.com @emptygatezen) in CA.  If I cannot make physical connections, I will accept what I have and will work on not clinging to the desire for more.
It is a lesson I am working on daily.
It's been a very insightful year of meditation, loving-kindness and Buddhist and Jewish ethics, philosophy, and drawing nearer to the One/None.  Thank you to those reading, to those who have taught whether they meant to or not, and to myself. 
May we all be at ease.

(Since writing this, I have discovered a blog that says what I was trying to say here only much more eloquently: http://t.co/VY8L58VGSt)


http://www.zenwest.ca/online-zen
http://everydayzen.org/teachings/
http://www.seattlesotozen.org/dharma-talks
http://genjo.libsyn.com/
http://www.upaya.org/dharma/
http://sweepingzen.com/category/audio/

After Sukkos

After Sukkos
Children building pillow forts
Under blankets, laughter peels
Footie-jammied refugees remember
Summer wanderings

My Sinai Mantra

In this desert, I am not lost
Directionless and wandering
Where I need to be, I am
Departing and arriving
Accepting with gratitude

Walrus Tanka

Early morning meditation
Whole house quiet
Except the walrus in my throat
Damn burp won't come
A lot learned

A Certain Place

Breathing in

My chest aspires to heaven

Exhaling, I touch Moriah

My body, the stone on which breath rests

The foundation for Jacob's ladder

Catch and Release

I am meditating.

Sometimes my zafu (meditation pillow) is a row boat. My mind is a still, dark, mirror-like lake on which I float. My practice is my fishing tackle and my concentration is my line. I watch it where it meets the water. It makes small rings on the water that roll away with each breath I take.
I am content.

Catching thought-fish is not really the point. It is not the object of meditation. I am here to fish. To sit in my zafu-boat, to hold my Zebco-practice correctly, and watch my concentration-line make breath-rings in the mind-water. 
Fish are incidental.
 
Oh but this lake is FULL of aquatic wildlife. Even if I put an empty hook into the water, I will catch something. I can’t help it. With this lake, I could catch a rainbow trout, perch, or blue gill, but I could just as well catch a salmon, a whale, a frog, newt, old boot or even a penguin (wearing old boots). In this lake, any wildlife will strike at bait when hungry.

As I watch my line, I can see something bumping against and mouthing my bait. I don’t yet know what it is down there but I feel the pole jerking and see non-rhythmic "V's"on the surface of the water.
They are not caused by my breathing.

Then, a strike! Something down there is pulling at my line of concentration. There is a force at the end of my line changing the tension of my tackle. Something small may only run in circles, unable to bend my Zebco or stress my line. Something larger may drag line from my spin cast reel if the tension is too low, causing my rod to jump wildly or bend the pole down to the surface of the lake.

Oh, yes. It has my attention and I begin to reel.

Sometimes I will bring what ever it is up without much fight and little effort on my part. Sometimes it takes more time and more sweat. Usually it’s just a matter of a minute or five to bring up whatever is down there, sometimes it may take an hour… or two… or a week… or a year to land my catch. That’s the nice thing about fishing here, I can bring in my boat, go home, go to work, play with my kids and come back later and that fish will probably still be on my line waiting for me when I get back.

Sometimes I get tired, or scared of what I have on my hook. Or sometimes, I have something too big for my tackle or even my boat and something breaks. (Usually my line or rod. I have yet to have my zafu capsize but I won’t say it couldn’t happen.) I know sometimes it’s safer to cut the line. These things happen to even the best of fishers and, when they do, I will not get discouraged. I will not throw down my pole, sell my boat and leave my line to get tangled at the bottom of the lake. These things are just a part of fishing and from these experiences I will learn how to improve my technique.
Crazy days on the boat are still better than crazy days without the boat.

Most of the time though, whatever takes my bait gets landed without major issues. As it comes to the surface I can see its murky outline. Sometimes it jumps and I can see some details as it breaks the still surface trailing sparkles of water behind it. Sometimes it comes up so covered in weeds and debris that I haven’t a clue what I’ve caught until it’s in the boat.

  Now it’s here and I am looking directly at it and it is looking directly at me. I see its scales, its eyes, its fins, flippers or the sole of its boot. In other words, I see all the things that make this particular creature different from all the other fish in the lake. I possess it and, in a way, it possesses me or at least the total sum of my attention at this moment.

  I remember why I'm here -not to catch fish but simply to fish. The boat, the tackle, the bait, the line, hook, creature on the hook, lake and I, the person fishing, are all connected -we are all a part of Fishing which, on a cushion doing meditation equals nothing, illusion, a fairytale I tell myself about thinking while sitting on a cushion meditating. I do not need to hold on to this thought-creature to gain anything, or to remember this event.

The lake is my mind.
The fish are my thoughts.
They are available to examine closer at a later time if I wish.
I do not need fish or thoughts right now.

Gently, I remove my hook from it’s gasping mouth. I hold it reverently with both hands, and thank it for its lesson. I bow to release it back into the cool and tranquil depths of my mind. As it swims away, I take a deep breath, reset the tackle of my practice and watch the line of my concentration spin out to where it meets the still surface of the lake. As the small rings spread out over its surface in time with my breath,
I am once again content.

I am fishing.

Past and Future Dreaming

Wake up, Lotus Eater
Quit wasting life asleep
Open your eyes
See this moment, more beautiful
than past or future dreaming

How Meditation Helped Me Connect With a Jewish Community

How Meditation Helped Me Connect With a Jewish Community – Tablet Magazine http://po.st/lUQ0mC via @tabletmag

Choosing Suffering

Sometimes the mind sees
the direct path out
but the heart prefers
to remain and wallow
in pig shit.

Shamor v'Zachor

Candles without matches -say a bracha anyway
Ner shel Shabbat is never extinguished.
No wine to say blessing over -say kiddush anyway
No need to posses it to know it's taste.
No challah to break -say ha motzi anyway
Bread will come, bread will go, both coming and going are eternal.
Shabbat does not require food and song to be holy and no-thing can be made holy. 
No-thing already is.
As long as the people remember and observe -Shamor v'zachor
and nothing else
Shabbos has exactly all it needs.

A Phish Inspired, Mindful Shabbat Haiku

awaken to sound
echoes bouncing in the room
hear The One Who Spoke

-Shabbat Shal-Om All!

Meditation on the Absence of G-d

Even in the void of absence
G-d never leaves.
Where could G-d go?
It is we who forget where to find Ayn Sof/Ayn Od;
All places, all time, all things,
All spaces between.

A Zen Jewdhist Meditation on a Chabad Rebbe Teaching

"You must always have good things to think about. An empty mind is a vacuum awaiting destructive thoughts."  -from Bringing Heaven Down to Earth: Meditations and Everyday Wisdom from the Teachings of the Rebbe, Menachem Schneerson

Thoughts are neither good nor destructive, it's what we do with our thoughts that creates holiness or defilement. Empty mind serves as a petrie dish on which we may grow and study our thoughts and emotional responses.

Buber and the Rashab walk into an Aleinu

Jewish meditation begins with desire -two distinct beings wanting relationship. 
Practicing davening and meditation, the lines of distinction blur. 
I and Thou become I/Thou. 
Eventually, ego begins to fade. 
As "I" dissipates, the distinction of "Thou" fades too. 
At the ecstatic  height of Jewish meditation, no distinctions are left to be made.
There is no "I" or "Thou". 
So what is left? 
אֶפֶס זוּלָתוֹ.
(There is none else)
אֵין עוֹד
(There is none other)

When Darkness Falls (Drowning)

Spent too much time playing 'round
A drunk messiah, falling down
Like children lost, like children wandering
Directionless
Troubled times, it's all I hear
And troubled time is done right here
Open your eyes, open your heart and mind
Let in the light

Chorus:So dry your tears when darkness falls
(raccoon circles 'round the blue)
I'll kiss your face when daylight comes
(see your sunbeams shining through)

Lost another day today
Didn't have the words to say,
"The past is past,"
"tomorrow's fantasy."
"Right now is all"
"I've got to make it right"
Didn't see you again last night.
It's sinking in
When will this vessel crack?
I'll drown with you.

Chorus:So dry your tears as darkness falls
(mascara melting in the gloom)
I'll kiss your lips when daylight comes
(and dust motes dance around the room)

Bridge:Nothing seems to make it better
Nothing seems to make it worse
Nothing holding us together
Like clouds before the sun disperse
Holding on makes it feel better
Holding on just makes it worse
Holding on, it slips right through your hands
And crashes down, creation in reverse.

Chorus:So dry your tears when darkness falls
(we'll make it through, I promise you)
I'll kiss your face 'cause it's my job
(to reassure the worst is through)
So dry your tears as darkness falls
(and raccoon storms surround the blue)
I'll kiss your face, I'll kiss your mouth
(and in the end I'll drown with you)
So dry you tears when darkness falls...

Hallowed Ground

When you finally see the light, keep walking.
You are still in darkness.
When you can't tell light from dark,
Take off your shoes.

Scientific Unknowns, The God Particle and Spiritual Mystery

(Written July 4, 2012)
This week at the CERN particle-physics center in Geneva, it was announced that evidence of the Higgs boson sub-atomic particle, sometimes also called the “God” particle, had been discovered. Physicists say this may be the final piece needed to complete the puzzle of the Standard Model of physics. The discovery of this particle is believed to be the key to unlocking the mysteries of how an ordered universe could come to exist after the Big Bang and solve physics dilemmas surrounding dark matter, dark energy, black holes and wormholes.



I am endlessly fascinated by these fuzzy areas of quantum and theoretical physics and have become a fan of the Science Channel programming regarding these topics. Watching shows such as these feed my mind and nurture my soul in the same way hearing a great D’rosh at synagogue or reading a book on ethics that opens my heart to a new way of thinking does.



For me, science is a perfect model for spirituality. There is always something, we have faith, smaller or greater than we can currently prove -something we know to exist just beyond our grasp. We continue to reach for it and, as we succeed in discovering more and more, we learn about our selves and our universe. In succeeding to release that which is mystery one spark at a time, we deepen our connection to it. Every discovery leads to further questions, greater mysteries, more things within our reach but as of yet beyond proof.





For me, this too is Hashem. This too is G-d.





The Great Mystery is always close enough to be felt and sought but always just the next step beyond our comprehension. When we discover that which was previously unknown, we discover something else, a Great Mystery, just beyond our new understanding. If G-d/Total Scientific Understanding/the Great Mystery were to be attained, what purpose would humanity have to exist? We would become the apotheosis of complacency, both apathetic and directionless -a Yetzer Tov without a Yetzer HaRa to keep us balanced.





We are creatures of contemplation, creative and wisdom seeking. Without Mystery to goad us toward improvement of our understanding, our selves, our community and the world, we would have no release for our natural curiosity. I rather think that this would lead us towards self destruction because an artist with nothing left to create, a scientist with nothing left to study, a theologian with no G-d to contemplate has no purpose and no direction. What purpose would devoting ones life in pursuit of what has already been attained serve. Rather with nothing left to pursue we would turn inward, become obsessed with our shortcomings, become self loathing and turn towards hatred of self and others. A G-d just beyond our current reach gives us purpose. A G-d who can be fully grasped, identified, labels, catalogued and put on a shelf is no G-d at all. It is what scientific evidence points towards that energizes the researcher, not the micro-fiche of cataloged data.
Religious groups who believe in a world here-after or world to come, a heaven, and those who believe we will finally solve all of he mysteries of science will disagree with me here I suppose but I can embrace that.

It proves there is still Mystery to seek and sparks to uncover.

Deuteronomy 4:35 Mantra

There is none other.
There is nothing other.
No Other.

where the heart is

18,000 -the facets of the gem Torah
Each brilliant and unique
Look closely at what is reflected

nutshell

To discover who I am.
To forget who I am.
To discover who You are.
To forget who You are.
My practice, sitting on one pillow.

Rabbis and Intermarriage

Rabbis and Intermarriage

Preventing the decline in active congregants in the shules by up-playing the value of Jewish marriage has been a valiant and worthy effort of the past few generations. But it's not working so well. I urge the URJ an the HUC-JIR to consider allowing the very people who have experienced intermarriage and have chosen to return to or remain a part of Judaism a chance to become leaders and reach out with unique insight to others like themselves.

I am a mid-life convert to Reform Judaism. My wife, with full support of my conversion, chose not to convert. My children, born before my conversion are being raised reciting the Shema at least twice a day, lighting Shabbat candles and saying blessings. I love Judaism and the Jewish people. I write a blog about Jewish Mindfulness and meditation, am naturally spiritual advisor and have considered the possibility of becoming a Rabbi or chaplain. Yet I would be automatically turned down by the HUC-JIR even though a Reform Rabbi, a congregation and a Beit Din have all accepted me as Jewish.

Although my case is different than many intermarried Jews, I urge the URJ and HUC-JIR to not base their decisions on who to allow to study for the Rabbinate on such a broad policy. To lose potential new leaders who can reach out to others like them should be as distasteful to Reformed Jews as the exclusion of women, people of color or the LGBT. Let every candidate be judged by what is in his or her heart and not on the never ending argument about what outward appearance makes one Jewish. Torah is not written about people who kept the letter of the law. It is about imperfect people who felt a desire for relationship with Hashem and each other. It is about leaders who came from unexpected places and backgrounds.

Mindful Emailing

Mindful Emailing
Shavua Tov!  May you all be at ease.  A great article from the teacher, Sylvia Boorstein, who first showed me the way of Zen Judaism.

Spirituality in Science, G_d in Shadows

(Written 4 July, 2012)
Dale Arends > Temple Beth Or
This week at the CERN particle-physic­s center in Geneva, it was announced that evidence of the Higgs boson sub-atomic particle, sometimes also called the “God” particle, had been discovered. Physicists say this may be the final piece needed to complete the puzzle of the Standard Model of physics. The discovery of this particle is believed to be the key to unlocking the mysteries of how an ordered universe could come to exist after the Big Bang and solve physics dilemmas surrounding dark matter, dark energy, black holes and wormholes.

I am endlessly fascinated by these fuzzy areas of quantum and theoretical physics and have become a fan of the Science Channel programming regarding these topics. Watching shows such as these feed my mind and nurture my soul in the same way hearing a great D’rosh at synagogue or reading a book on ethics that opens my heart to a new way of thinking does.

For me, science is a perfect model for spirituality. There is always something, we have faith, smaller or greater than we can currently prove -something we know to exist just beyond our grasp. We continue to reach for it and, as we succeed in discovering more and more, we learn about our selves and our universe. In succeeding to release that which is mystery one spark at a time, we deepen our connection to it. Every discovery leads to further questions, greater mysteries, more things within our reach but as of yet beyond proof.

For me, this too is Hashem. This too is G-d.

The Great Mystery is always close enough to be felt and sought but always just the next step beyond our comprehension. When we discover that which was previously unknown, we discover something else, a Great Mystery, just beyond our new understanding. If G-d/Total Scientific Understanding/­the Great Mystery were to be attained, what purpose would humanity have to exist? We would become the apotheosis of complacency, both apathetic and directionless -a Yetzer Tov without a Yetzer HaRa to keep us balanced.

We are creatures of contemplation, creative and wisdom seeking. Without Mystery to goad us toward improvement of our understanding, our selves, our community and the world, we would have no release for our natural curiosity. I rather think that this would lead us towards self destruction because an artist with nothing left to create, a scientist with nothing left to study, a theologian with no G-d to contemplate has no purpose and no direction. What purpose would devoting ones life in pursuit of what has already been attained serve. Rather with nothing left to pursue we would turn inward, become obsessed with our shortcomings, become self loathing and turn towards hatred of self and others. A G-d just beyond our current reach gives us purpose. A G-d who can be fully grasped, identified, labels, catalogued and put on a shelf is no G-d at all. It is what scientific evidence points towards that energizes the researcher, not the micro-fiche of cataloged data.
Religious groups who believe in a world here-after or world to come, a heaven, and those who believe we will finally solve all of he mysteries of science will disagree with me here I suppose but I can embrace that.
It proves there is still Mystery to seek and sparks to uncover.

Still, Small Voice Haiku

now listen closely.
the present is all around.
there it is again.

The Name

Listen for the still, small voice,
a name, the sound of breath through parted lips
a word reserved and holy.

Samsara

Once, on my cushion I dreamed of this day.
Today in zazen, I remembered it.
Dreaming in time, no center in circles.

Mental Health Prayer

My Rabbi posted this today:

 "May the one who blessed our ancestors bless me with strength and healing as I struggle with emotional distress and mental suffering.
May I walk in the footsteps of Jacob, King Saul, Miriam, Hannah, and Naomi, who lived with dark moods, hopelessness, isolation and terror, but survived and led our people.
Just as our father Jacob spent the night wrestling with an angel and prevailed, may I be granted the endurance to wrestle with pain and prevail, night upon night.
Grant me the faith to know that though, like Jacob I may be wounded, shaped and renamed by this struggle, still I will live on to continue an ever-unfolding,­ unpredictable path toward healing.
May I not be alone on this path but accompanied by family in all its forms, friends, caregivers, ancestors, and the Divine Presence.
Surround me with loving kindness, and companionship, and spread over me a sukkat shalom, a shelter of peace and wholeness."
-Rabbi Elliot Kukla

Port

If I have truly slowed,
am much more aware of this vessle,
how is it that I still leave such a wake?

Rainy Day Mindfulness (parts I & not I)

I experienced one rain drop
One thing
Then the rain storm wholly
Between the two
I got lost

Isaiah 45:7

Fall in love with the shadows on the path,
Fall in love with the the light that directs your way.
When you can no longer tell the difference,
Fall in love with the One.